"There is no greater agony than the untold story inside of you." -Maya Angelou
A day at temple for the Jewish New Year… beautiful service and prayers. Hugging temple members and friends. Feeling God in the prayers, the rabbi’s words, the cantor’s melodic voice, the songs, the holy connection to all the world there in my temple.
Later that night, dinner with family. Beautiful babies. Joy. Love. Great conversation. Amazing food. Wonderful people.
All this bounty. All this to be thankful for.
Then why this sadness in the pit of my stomach?
Why these tears that hide behind my eyes?
Sitting in silence, I decide to let my tears have a voice.
I sit down and with pen in hand, I ask myself the simple question: “What is wrong, sweetheart?”
As my pen moves, my tears flow.
And I confess:
I miss my kids terribly and this makes me so sad. I want desperately to hug my little granddaughter and rock her to sleep. I want to make the serious illnesses of my brother-in-law and one of my closest friends go away. I want to bring my Aunt back to life in her most healthy and glorious state so my uncle will be happy again. I want my clients to have happier relationships and better lives. I want all diseases to be obliterated from the earth.
I want things that are not possible to have.
The tears keep flowing as I allow all the sadness to have a voice.
And with each tear that flows my sadness feels accepted. It feels heard.
I remind myself that it is okay to feel sad. How could I forget that denying sadness squelches your vitality, your life force? Numbing yourself just doesn’t work… it always catches up to you. And I guess it caught up with me.
So I will muck around in it for awhile. I will allow it to breathe and to circulate so it can unstick a bit. I will give my sadness a voice until it is done talking.
And then I will be more myself again. Freer. Less constricted.
I may call a friend to share my sadness or I may find that I don’t need to. Maybe the writing and the tears are enough.
Of this I am sure of. I cannot find my kids jobs here but I can be the best out of town mom and grandma in the world. I can relish in the fact that they are happy and doing well. I can take tremendous joy out of our phone calls, our Skype sessions and all the times we are together. I cannot make my brother-in-law or friend well or bring my Aunt back to life, but I can be there for them physically and emotionally. And I can send them light and prayers and cheerful e-mails and cards and phone calls.
And then I will do what makes me come alive. I will listen to uplifting songs. I will sing. I will dance. I will meditate and pray and read awesome books. I will walk and do yoga. I will spend time in nature. I will cook great, healthy meals. I will scrapbook. I will post on inspiring posts on facebook. I will write articles. I will play games with friends. I will go to the movies.
I will allow myself to feel because that’s what being alive is all about. And I will feel my sadness for as long as I need to. And I will pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again to see the goodness in the world.
Call to action:
When you feel those feeling of sadness, get a journal and let them have a voice. If nothing comes to you, start to draw…sometimes the right brain knows what the left brain doesn’t.
Give yourself lots of kindness and compassion.
Remember to breathe.
Sometimes you may need a break from your feelings. Imagine yourself in a safe space that you love. It may be somewhere you know or something you create. .It could be a room or a place in nature. Put anything or anyone in it who gives you comfort. Imagine the colors and objects or things from nature you most love. Spend some time feeling that healing energy.
Sometimes these feelings may be triggering an old memory. You can ask yourself what this reminds you of. Often we get great relief from knowing this.
EFT or tapping therapy can help to move stuck energy out of your energy system. Check out my website or e-mail me for more information.
Brenda Strausz is a holistic psychotherapist with a practice in the Metro Detroit Area who specializes in women’s issues. She can be reached at www.BrendaStrausz.com.